Sunday, January 24, 2010

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver - Part III

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver – Part III
Posted on Jan. 14th, 2010
by Joy Loverde

In Part I & II of Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver, we discussed that there are no blueprints in caregiving and we each must find our way. We also looked at the importance of keeping a realistic view of our demands to make sure we don’t sabotage the caregiving process. Let’s continue taking a look at caregiving and make sure we are taking care of ourselves to better help others.

Are you a walking time bomb?

Is your life already filled to capacity? Are you currently handling major, time-consuming obligations between parenting, your own career, and other commitments? How much time can you afford to devote to your elders? Eldercare requires patience, and tolerance for this kind of work may not be part of your emotional makeup. For example, if you’ve never assisted an older adult with bathing and dressing for the day, you may not realize that this seemingly simple activity could eat up the better part of the morning. What might be your reaction to an elder who asks you the same question over and over again in a matter of minutes?

Are you thick-skinned?

Disappointment, loneliness and frustration come with the job of caregiving. Your circle of friends may start to shrink; siblings and relatives will find excuses to keep their distance from you and your elders. Are you good at deflecting criticism? Can you bounce back after a hard day’s work? Can you forgive others for their shortcomings? Are you willing to get help if you suspect that you are becoming increasingly depressed?

Are you an effective money manager?

Eldercare is a bottomless pit of ongoing expenses. Beyond health care, there are other eldercare-related costs that will quickly drain the money supply: senior housing, special diets, medications, transportation, and more. Are you proactive rather than reactive when it comes to managing money? Will you seek financial advice? Will you stick to a budget in order to avoid a family financial crisis? Are you willing to talk to other family members about paying for long-term care?

Is it possible that you will have to quit your job to perform eldercare duties?

Most people cannot afford to give up their own primary means of support. Are you willing to research your company’s work-life eldercare programs? Will you be risking your job security by being candid with your boss about your eldercare situation? If your employer offers work-life benefits are you making good use of them now?

Once you know where the caregiving roller coaster is going, are you still in for the ride? Millions of us are facing this question. We all have limitations — getting help is the smart thing to do. Sometimes love is best served when we do not place ourselves in a position of resentment

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver - Part II

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver – Part II
by Joy Loverde

There are no blueprints in caregiving. Each of us will carve our own path. The following self-assessment questionnaire is meant to help guide you to better choices. If anything else, the answers to these questions and the questions in Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver – Part III will reveal when it’s time for you to supplement your care plans.

Do you get along with your elders, and have a fair amount of influence over them?

Perhaps at times your sister gets along with Mom better than you do. People outside the family circle or an “authority figure” may be more influential and able to accomplish what you cannot – it might be a doctor, a member of the clergy, a geriatric case manager or an attorney who may be able to step in on your behalf.

Do you live far away?

Be realistic about your ability to handle all of the eldercare details from a distance. Are there some things you simply cannot accomplish from far away? Is it realistic right now for you to pick up and move or ask your elder to do the same? Can you share duties with someone who lives closer?

Are you willing to ask for and accept help?

There is no getting around this one. If you have trouble delegating tasks or accepting help from others, then it’s simply a matter of time before the quality of your own life will begin to crumble.

Do you have strong problem-solving abilities?

Day-to-day eldercare problems are complex, multi-dimensional and sure to challenge the brightest of minds. If your confidence in researching options and making difficult decisions is low, you are better off surrounding yourself with professional advisors and, in some cases, letting geriatric case managers assess the situation and supplement the care and decision-making process.

Are you good at learning new things and taking advice?

Everybody — from health care professionals to the neighbor down the street — will have a strong opinion on how your elder should be cared for. While some of their suggestions may be off target, others may be worth considering. How flexible and open-minded are you? Are you will to make changes in mid-stream?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver – Part I

by Joy Loverde

If I had to create a “Help Wanted” ad as a way to hire a family caregiver, this is how the advertisement would read:

HELP WANTED
Person available and on-call seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day with no days off and little or no financial compensation. Qualifications:
  • Can speak medical, insurance, and legalese
  • Financial planning and bookkeeping
  • Juggle multiple scheduling systems
  • Car with valid driver’s license
  • Heavy lifting
  • Expertise in home maintenance and repairs
  • Dietician, meal planning, and chef
  • Medication management
  • Limitless patience
  • Ability to change plans in mid-stream
  • Social worker and spiritual director
  • Willingness to sacrifice personal time and put career plans on hold
  • Can withstand criticism and ongoing feelings of isolation
  • Loves surprises

Seasoned family caregivers know all too well about the stresses of eldercare even under the best of circumstances, and family caregiving is not necessarily a short-term commitment. Responsibilities very often last for decades.

If you are not acknowledging how family caregiving may be affecting he quality of your own life, and you do not recognize yourself in the “Help Wanted” ad above, then I beg you to ask people you trust if they think you are taking on way too much by yourself.

Too often, family caregivers have rigid beliefs on who does the care and how it should be implemented. Making hasty statements like, “My mother will never go to a nursing home!” and taking pride in not asking others to pitch in will surely get the best of you.

Unrealistic goals and unhealthy attitudes can sabotage the caregiving process. When we come face-to-face with our own limitations and can’t provide the kind of care we wish we could, we feel it’s our own fault. The truth is we may not be the most qualified person to take on all of the caregiving responsibilities all of the time. Limitations of relationships, time, stamina, and skill dictate how much help we can realistically offer.

Keep an Eye on the Family Caregiver – Part II and Part III will offer a self-assessment questionnaire.